Sorry its written in malay.

Mengapa akubegitu bodoh?? Soalan biasaku tidak boleh menjawab? Adakah ini hukuman saya. Adakahku tidak patut melakukannya dengan baik. Aku sudah banyak usaha untuk menyediakan untuk tahap O. Mengapa ini terpaksa menimpaku. Aku memerlukan As itu. Apa cara sekali pun, aku kena dapatkannya. Walaupun jika ia akan membuatku gila.

Now I am hearing countless of advice not to stress myself from her, but wasn't she the one that wanted me to be clever; to be at the very top. How can I possibly could if she don't give me the opportunity to do what I need. I am not gifted, that I know. So, I am trying my best to be who she wants me to be. To be able to do that. I have to study. Keep on studying. I cant stop. I don't get it, either way she still not satisfy. I am trying my best to please her, to please myself. but she keep changing her mind. I cannot be like him. Cause I am not him. He can play all day but still ace all his exams. But I am stupid, I admitted. But still I put a lot of effort, does she not see that? I may look vulnerable but inside I am made up of concrete. Pretty much I will just go crazy over all this studying. So??? What have I got to lose??? Nothing thats what...



Will I ever be good enough for you??
I guess not...


If I really dont make it through all this, I will say that I GIVE UP. That is IF...

well ever since my bro have back,i have been slacking. i followed him to amk on sat to buy a game. he bought the marvel ultimate smtg i dont remeber which both of us can play. because he wanted me to distress myseklf so ended up we play for quite some time. then how sunday, i followed my dad to ion building to get a new phone. he regretted giving it to me cause it got 8gb.haha too bad. ok i think thats it.bye for now. sorry for lots of geammmatical error cause i typing this through my phone

After 10 days without my brother, I realised I really need him alot. Although with constant quarreling at home and those fighting, we still miss each other alot. Well, it was his first time going training in the police force at Choa Chu Kang area, luckily it was near our house. When I came home just now, I could not help but laugh loudly until I had to catch my breath. He is bold!! Haha. Never once I saw him without hair. One word - Funny. So I decided to take a photo of him like this as I never had picture of him botak before. My brother very lame, making that serious pose in the photo because I told him he looked very ugly and does not look like the actor Michael Scorfield in prison break. So he gave that pose that usually Michael would do it. Lol.

I had to do his laundry for him. It was fun. First time for me too. Ya ok I am still up now doing the laundry, dont know why it took so long to be washed. Like 2 hour plus already and only the 3rd wash still got his towels to be washed. Well pretty much I am very ''kiasu' so I put LOTS and LOTS of detergent in the clothes because it was rank with sweat. Eek. Ok lol so bad of me to talk about my bro. Haha.

Oh ya finally I knew where my jetstream pen went. My bro took it without me knowing. Clever him. I have been searching every cranny of the room and just recently bought a new one yesterday. Great. So pretty much tomorrow I am helping my brother pack up his things to bring to the camp because both my parents will not be at home and go on a holiday with my cousin and her husband. At last - freedom. Lol. But still I need to do chores. Nevermind I better split it with my brother, I will not let him off so easily. Haa so bad of me.

Yes life is life. No matter what, we go thorough life one way or another. Pretty much the silence would die down, it just takes time. I just need time trying to absorb things thoroughly. My focus is going off, too much things to concentrate on. Dont know which one first. But like you always said, breathe deep and smile. I am just so you know. It is just on the outside, I dont looked so bubbly as before. Sorry for that too. Its not that I dont want to, its just hard. But for your info, it is not your fault. None of it were, so dont think you were to be blame for it. It was mine. Stupid me again. Sorry for the embarrassing situation I have put you in.

Ok today pretty much I breakdown, I dont know for which ever reason that is. I just could not take it. I just could not stay in the class and really needed some fresh air. Luckily my teacher did not come to take attendant today or else she would already see me in this state. Anyway, the guys keep bugging me with this guy Din, I just wished they stop. I have gone through enough. I dont want it to accumulate anymore. I just wished they understand, my life is already hard enough not having my best guy friend to be there pushing me forward. Haiz...

So stop blaming yourself or I will feel more stress about it. Ya I admit it does feel awkward but just so you know we would NEVER just be acquitance we will always be close friends though there is still silence going on.

Amrit, I can move on now. Received an answer yesterday, pretty much I dont feel so empty anymore and got it off my chest. But.. I still wonder what is in store for me. My life, I realised is like a roller coaster. I think I experience the best and the worst of life already which many had yet to go through though some does not need go through the worst like I did. Pretty much I've changed. Tried to change. Either people like or dont like. I've changed. Maybe probably when you were still alive, you would have notice me getting high over lame things and laugh when ever possible, but now its hard to. Cause pretty much certain things I try my hardest to laugh so as not to disappoint them. But deep inside my mind is still in sorrowful thoughts. I dont know what I'm thinking, just that I am not thinking straight. All my classmates have been my moral support, but still, I feel empty. Maybe cause of stress???

But whatever the case, I am still regretful when I talk to my form teacher because she would also try her best to at least say one line to me during parade square but I would just say ar.ohk. Nothing much goes to our conversation which I know she hoped that I would make her laugh or smile at least in the morning which I dont anymore. My mind just hurts alot, due to study but at least the answer have ease part of my burden. I just wished I could looked more bubbly when I talk to her especially as she always wanted me to make her laugh with my so lame jokes. I just hope she is not worry about me and more focus on her own health.

Been studying straight without stopping but still I realised not enough, I cannot stop. Cannot. I even go straight home lately and straight to my past papers. Even though I dont feel strong enough to be able to clear my papers, I just have to do it. My temples have been throbbing the whole time. And every seconds I waste, I keep scolding myself. Stupid me. Life is short. Anyway, typing this already have taken minutes of my life. So now better be back at studying.

Still missing you Amrit, no matter where you are. You will always be in my memories through the thick and thin of my life. I promise I will stop by the crematorium straight after my last paper. Sorry again.

I've done something terrible yesterday. I should have known better. Wished you were here to console me. Only your lame jokes will make me laugh and you listening ear could let me just say out whatever feelings I had. Life without you is hard. Its hard to have a friendship for 11 years and just vanished in the blink of an eye. I just wished to tell you everything. It was a bad mistake. Bad.Bad.Bad. I've just ruin the whole darn thing. I think if you knew, you would have scream at my ear first then you would console me. But whatever the case, I remembered you giving me your blessings. Thank you again.

Give me a sign without i am doing the right thing. Cause right now, im lost. I dont know what path i am choosing. Maybe going back to my old ways... I know you were shock when I first told you about me, what never once you judge me. That I am grateful. Now tell me, what should I do???

You would have said - follow your heart.

My heart??? I dont think I even have one... so cold. so heartless. like concrete...

Well i'm back to blog. Not much to say. Few weeks to real O level. Prepared a bit just afraid that I will fail.I think I totally stress myself too much. All my classmates says that. Opps. Haiya what to do, my memory is like a donkey. So deng. And me trying to push all the subjects into one tiny brain. Impossible. So now I am back to late night studying just to catch up with my work. Better not waste more time and start to study. Bye for now.